Techau Family 5 W's and H

Hi!  I was debating on keeping this blog private (we're pretty private people, especially when it comes to hardships or emotional crapiness- we fight our battles together and tend to just smile at those around us), but after posting our adoption news on Facebook I realized that I need to open this up.  We're blessed to have people who care about us...and who knows, one of you might know someone who's considering giving their child up for adoption!  ;)  So, here's the 5 W's and H of the Techau Family:

Who: It's not just Jim and I - it's our families, our friends, both of our circles.  That's never been so clear to me as when I announced that we are adopting on Facebook.  I'm overwhelmed by everyone's support and love.  Scott, our nephew, made one of my favorite comments: "I'm gonna have a Techau cousin!"

What: We're hoping to have an open adoption, but ultimately that depends on the birth mom and what she's comfortable with.  Open adoptions vary hugely!  There are some families that meet with the birth mother a few times a year (that kind of freaks me out...and by "kind of" I mean TOTALLY!  We're feeling very possessive of this invisible baby.  Does that make sense?) while some families send pictures and letters to the birth mother.  We don't care about gender or race, but we are wanting an infant.  In fact, the agency we're working with specializes in newborns!!!!

Where: We've decided to do a domestic adoption (meaning we're adopting from the U.S.) for a few different reasons: we will hopefully have more information about the birth mother's health, we like the idea of our child having access to his or her birth mother should questions arise, and it's cheaper (which surprised me - I always thought international adoptions were cheaper).  Oh, and I don't know how this works, but if our kiddo needs something medically...ya, I would like to know that there's a potential resource.

When: Coming to this decision took awhile.  We were faced with a very expensive, invasive medical procedure with a VERY small chance of working since the doctors could never determine what's wrong with me, or adoption.  My heart is still heavy with the realization that our baby won't have Jim's beautiful eyes, kind smile, or those biological traits, and I think I will always mourn that (especially when I look at my nephews and niece and see those connections).  But I know that our child will be a mish mash of us in every other respect...let's just hope s/he is more like Jim!  How long the adoption will take also varies.  The home study takes about 2 months (to find out more about the home study process, check out my "What's the Craziest Thing?" post), and after that it's all up to the birth mom.  We are going to network and get our names out as much as possible, but it's about the birth mom feeling like we're the right family for her baby.

Why:  We want our family. It's that simple!

How: I don't know how to classify this "How" section.  Financially?  Wow.  Um, we're going to be applying for grants as soon as our home study is completed (which is a requirement of every grant I've found), I'll be coaching every sport I can and sponsoring every club imaginable, and we might have a couple of fundraisers.  :)  How do we get the baby?  There are a few possibilities - one of you fabulous people might know someone who is considering giving their child up for adoption (especially if you're connected to a church).  Call me!  :D  A birth mother approaches our agency and after receiving counseling feels like adoption is the best for both her and her baby, and she picks us based on our "Dear Birth Mother" letter, portfolio, or photo album.  We're going to post our information on some websites and the birth mother finds us, likes us, and we go on from there!  Emotionally?  This is going to be a roller coaster, but I've got to tell you, I can't fathom it being worse than the past three years.  We are working towards having our baby!  Our baby!  And it might take awhile, the birth mother might change her mind, and some other obstacles that I can't foresee, but ultimately we're going to have our baby.  That's just the craziest thing.

What's the Craziest Thing?

At this moment in time, the craziest thing is that we're going to having a baby and we don't know who he or she is or when s/he is coming home.  That's just...crazy!?  When I start thinking about all of the questions still unanswered, still not asked (how do you know what to ask when you don't know what you don't know?), I get overwhelmed and maniacal while Jim gets quiet and pensive.  So here's what I know.

• The adoption process simplified (this varies by state, and I've included a rough timeline and costs for those that are considering adoption or just want to know more about that side of it): 

• Colorado is an agency state, meaning that we must go through an agency to adopt.  Most agency application fees are about $250-$350 and are processed quickly.  That does not however, mean that the agency has an opening.  We fell in love with an agency only to find out that we are #62 on their waiting list and it would be at least a year before we could actually start the adoption process.
• Once we've chosen our agency, they start the home study process.  Holy crap, the home study.    The home study consists of us telling a social worker every detail about us, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  We supply documentation of our lives since birth, they (the social worker) interview us as a couple and as individuals, dig into our marriage (bring it!), the lives of our parents (yikes!), assess our home, look into our finances, fingerprints sent to the CBI and FBI...they practically dig through our trash.  Ok, it won't be that bad, but it feels like it.  This takes about 2-4 months and costs about $2,000 - $3,500.
• During the home study, Jim and I are compiling our "Dear Birth Mother" letter.  This is what birth mothers will see when they're choosing who will get to adopt their baby.  I'm 100% over-thinking this and have stared at a blank document aptly titled "Dear Birth Mother" for about 2 days now.  I would like us to finish it in the next couple of weeks so that it's ready to go, and so that it's done before school starts.
• After we have successfully completed the home study, the adoption agency can officially start "selling us."  I've seen a lot of variety in how the agencies do this: online pictures and stories, publications in newspapers, photo albums, and word of mouth.  Marketing costs vary greatly by agency.  For some it's free because they give the birth mothers the photo albums the adoptive families have made and she wades through them while others are more aggressive with  creating an online presence and can cost up $5,000.  
• How long does this step take?  Well, what it comes down to is the birth mother choosing us (the term for this is us being "matched" with a birth mother).  Do Jim and I have some say?  Yes.  We don't care about gender; we just want our baby to be healthy.  I'm still doing research about race to see long-term effects of an adopted child being placed with parents of a different race...at this point it seems inconclusive which is awesome because Jim keeps talking about wanting a Korean baby with a faux hawk that is, obviously, a ninja.  

 <-- Like this, but baby version

• While we're waiting to be matched, we are going through at least 14 hours of state mandated counseling about the adoption process, open adoptions (more on that later), First Aid & CPR training, and how to bring our families into the adoption process.  Thankfully, the birth mother is also receiving counseling.  The intention is not at all to coerce her into giving her child up for adoption.  It's all about helping her make what will most likely be the hardest decision she will ever face, may that be keeping the baby or giving him/her up for adoption.  I've seen a huge spread in the cost for counseling (we pay for both ours and the birth mother's): $1,500-$4000. It seems like the agencies that have higher costs in this step offer better support for the birth mother and the adopting parents.
• Once we're matched, the birth mother is in control of the level of communication and knowledge we receive (although we have full access to as much health information as is available).  If she needs help with money for rent, maternity clothes, etc. we help out with that.  If you're like me and are more than a little skeptical of people following through on their word, rest assured.  The money never goes to the birth mother directly.  For example, we would send a check to cover her rent to the agency, they would write a check to the landlord, and then they would deliver it to the landlord.  As you can imagine, the costs for this vary as well but the average that I've seen is $2,000-$4,000.  If the birth mother changes her mind, we don't get any of the money back, and we will still help out the next birth mother financially.
• After the baby is born, the parents' legal rights are terminated in 4 days (referred to as "relinquishment").  Relinquishment costs $1,000-$1,200 and placement of the baby in our care costs $2,000.  At this point, the birth mother and birth father have no legal claim our baby although continued communication is recommended.
• Selfishly keeping our fingers-crossed that the birth mother and birth father don't change their minds and the baby is healthy, the adoption agency will have legal custody of the baby which they then...I don't know the terminology...they "lend" us.  I think this is called "post placement."  This lasts for 6 months during which the social worker from the agency checks in on us, makes sure the baby is thriving, that Jim and I haven't killed each other, and that we're all playing nicely with each other.  Post placement costs $2,000-$2,500.  The only reason the baby would be taken away would be if the social worker was worried about the baby or if we requested it.
• After 6 months, we go to the court house and our adoption is finalized.  This is so cool!  We get a birth certificate with our names listed as the parents (LOVE this - when I learned about that I cried!), and we 100% parents.

This was all pretty technical, but I hope it helped answer some of your questions.  If you have more, please let me know - like I said at the beginning: I don't know what questions to ask because I don't know what I don't know!

Xoxoxoxo

~ Monica