Yup...it's true - we're pregnant!!!

My last post was an emotional purging...which within a day of publishing I regretted.  I felt whiny and that I had put too much of us out into the universe.  After keeping most of this in for the past few years, it felt awkward to suddenly be exposed to my friends and family.  And that's how I felt - exposed, vulnerable. Then as I read the comments by friends I'm close to, friends I've lost touch with, and family members, I realized that maybe a little emotional vomit wasn't such a bad thing (and the splatter was minimal!).  Getting the emotions down on...keyboard?...computer?...screen?...was the best form of therapy I've ever had.  Having fully admitted to myself (and all of you) that I was freaking out, I felt like I could move on and get excited about our next step.  Adoption would hold unforeseen obstacles, but I knew that our desire to have a child of our own would be the grounding force for us both.  "Eyes on the prize" kind of thing.

One week after that post, Fred and Dorothy (my amazing in-laws) stopped by to visit for the weekend and reinforced my realization that we as humans need to reach out to one another.  Their presence always calms me (seriously, I sleep about twice as much whenever we visit them in Iowa than I do anywhere else), and I LOVE that music is a shared passion between them.  I can't count the number of instruments they play or how many songs they've created, but I can always see their partnership when they play together.  Dorothy completely shocked me when she told me that she had written a song for me after reading my latest blog entry.  As I listened, I cried and I felt pounds lighter as I realized that she and Fred were making a partnership with me in one of the coolest ways: music.  I can't tell you how much her song touched my heart, and the lyrics will be framed and kept in our house as soon as I find a worthy frame.

You see, the day before Dorothy and Fred played "Going Down This Road With A Smile," I had a positive pregnancy test - the first time ever.  I wasn't even excited.  I didn't trust the test (called it a few choice words, in fact) and didn't tell Jim for hours.  But more about that awesomeness on my next post.  I called one of our many "specialists" and they wanted me to come in immediately for blood tests - and I do mean blood testS.  Ultimately, I decided not to go for the tests.  We did another pregnancy test the next morning and it was positive too, so...why not enjoy a few weeks of blissful joy before having doctors at our 8 week ultrasound trample all over our giddiness by confirming my dark fear that this was just a cruel trick?  And holy crap are we giddy.  I think this song captures part of our emotions:

Now picture, a 5'4" blur of frenetic energy sprinting around the stage and plowing into all of those dignified musicians as she transforms into the Tasmanian Devil.  That's about how I felt.  Feel.  Amazed.  Humbled.  Terrified.  Powerful.

A lot of people are calling, texting, and messaging us with questions (this second wave of love is no less appreciated, by the way).  Here are the nitty gritty details:

• Due date:  We're due April 8th which means that we are 18 weeks along
• Gender:  We know the gender and are telling family at Thanksgiving  ;)  A lot of people have been recommending to us that we wait to find out the gender until the baby's born.  Totally not doing that.  I feel like there are plenty of surprises in life, and when you've been going down the adoption path and struggling to accept that you may know nothing about your baby...ya, I want to celebrate.
• How has the pregnancy been going?  Awesome.  First trimester I was just wiped out but didn't have any morning sickness or anything like that.  This trimester I've been feeling ok although I get nasty headaches and have to fight the urge to eat everything in sight.  I don't have any cravings really (apples and laffy taffy for a few days); I just want to eat everything.  I've lost a few pounds which the doctors are keeping their eyes on since I don't have any daily nausea to blame.  Oh, and I'm stupid.  I can't even read out loud without messing everything up.  And I keep forgetting my lunch on the counter at home.
• Why did we wait so long to announce?  This school year has kicked my butt.  At 12 weeks (the "normal" time to come out) a former student that I coached and was very close to committed suicide.  At 14 weeks a current student attempted suicide.  Then at 17 weeks we got some scary test results (more about that in a later post). It seemed like whenever we got on our feet we got knocked around a little.  After the test results came back negative for spina bifida we were both like, "GO, GO, GO!!!  Hurry before anything jumps out of the shadows!!!" 
• So...how did you guys get pregnant?  Yes.  I've been asked this.  A lot.  Since we decided to start the adoption process, we stopped going to the specialists. (*EDIT: Jim would like me to point out that it was not the mailman* - and yes, he wanted "was not" left alone rather than having it as a contraction because keeping it separate makes the point more emphatically) So...there you go!
• Are we still adopting?  Unfortunately, there's no way we can afford to do both at the same time.  However, we are hoping to adopt our second kiddo.  Having started the process, I feel...incomplete or unresolved.  Our principal asks that we email him something that made us smile over the summer to kick off our staff meeting at the beginning of the school year.  We didn't know if we were actually pregnant at that point, and I was genuinely excited about adopting so I emailed him about our decision to adopt.  (And yes, I think a HUGE part of me was scared to really accept the fact that we could be pregnant.  Kind of like, "If I hold back a part of my heart, I won't be as devastated when the doctor tells us the tests were false positives."  Ya right!)  The bottom line is, we opened our minds and hearts to adoption, and we're just delaying it a little bit. 

Ok, that's it for now.  :)  The next couple of posts will have pics of our kiddo, the way I told Jim (seriously, could he be any cuter?), and more information about those test results.

Juxtaposition

When we decided to share the news that we're adopting on Facebook, we were giddy.  It was thrilling to share such positive news with friends and family.  I texted Jim throughout the day with comments people were making, we printed off the pages of love and support to put in our baby book, and we started talking about our future with a baby.  Now, I don't know about you, but I tend to match my moods with music.  I often struggle to find words that express my emotions or my thoughts (and yes, I teach Language Arts...don't think I'm unaware of the irony).  This song perfectly captures how I felt. (Video tips: You can make the video full screen by moving your pointer to the bottom-right corner of the video and a frame outline will show up with the words "Full screen" - click on that.  To exit full screen, hit "Esc" in the top-left corner of your keyboard.  Sometimes ads show up on the video - move your pointer around the edge of the ad and a little "X" will show up - click on that)

Committing to adoption was a relief.  No more "Well, if we have a kid then..." No more struggling to choose what kind of car we should get to replace mine (it has over 220,000 miles!) - a cool "Screw you, I don't need 4 doors because I'm awesome and don't have kids, so I just want to go fast and look good doing it" car, or a "Look how responsible I am and how safe my child is; I must be an amazing parent" car.  I felt like I was fully embracing this new world.

And then...I wasn't anymore.  This leads to today’s word:

Juxtaposition [juhk-stuh-puh-zish-uhn]: noun

1. an act or instance of placing close together or side by side, especially for comparison or contrast.

2.  the state of being close together or side by side.

Giddiness juxtaposed with infuriated.  Relief compared to giving up.

I'm feeling incredibly lost and overwhelmingly sad.  We're not going to have OUR child.  Every month for the past 37 months, we haven't had OUR child.  We've come close, we've talked about baby names, my fears about our kiddo being like me (because, come on, who would want a spaz child over Jim's patient nature!?), and through all of the loss we kept our chins up.  I've been fortunate to have dear friends and family to lean on when I've reached my breaking point, but for the most part...I don't think I've really let myself grieve.  I don't know how to let go of this dream.  And I'm really pissed that we have to.  I'm angry that Jim has a layer of stress right now because adoption takes, on average, 18-24 months, and he's feeling like he's going to be an old dad.  I'm incensed that we have to plan a gender neutral nursery.  I'm devastated that I won't be able to breastfeed our baby.  I'm horrified that we will bring the baby home and then have to return it 4 days later to the birth mom as if it were an ill-fitting dress.  I'm terrified that a medical issue will arise, and Jim and I will be powerless because we aren't genetically related to our baby.  

And I'm dumbfounded that we're here.  It's like somebody just walked up to me and I extended my hands to embrace them and instead of gathering me in their arms, they brass knuckle punched me in the throat.  

When I fell down the stairs and broke the wall (seriously!?), I laid there for about 3 minutes just crying.  Yes, a part of that was about spraining my wrist, jacking my knee up, and just hurting all over, but I think another part of it was just letting out all of these...feelings...

Here's my song.  It's more about the sorrow I'm feeling rather than the enraged emotions (those songs were by Korn and Disturbed, but I thought those might scare some people).  Oh, don't forget to check out the video tips at the top of this post, just before the Michael Buble video:

(some vocab for the last song, in case you're wondering:

- flotsam: 1. wreckage from a ship 2. people or things that have been rejected and are viewed as worthless

- jetsam: 1. unwanted materials or goods that have been thrown overboard from a ship and washed ashore)

And this one's...this one reflects more the feeling of loss:

I feel like adopting is giving up on you.  And I don't know how to do that.  And I don't know how to reconcile these emotions.  

Facebook Love

Blog Quickie:

I just showed Jim the 116 "likes" and 71 comments we got (Jim's starting his Masters and is in classes from 9-9 which equals he's studying from 6am-8:30am, school 9am-9pm, and more studying from 9:30pm-1:30am.  Needless to say, he's had a lot on his plate and I wanted to wait until his first test was over so we could just chill and enjoy them).  He was...amazed.  Emotional.  And those of you lucky enough to know Jim know that he keeps his emotions pretty contained.  He's allowing himself to finally be excited.  Case and point: we took a study break at a park today and were laying on the grass talking about diapers (who knew there was such a debate over disposable vs. cloth!?), and Jim said, "Well, I guess if we got some of those really cute cloth diapers, like the ones that have frills on them, we could make them into a quilt once they don't fit.  And, ya know, if they're not all poop stained.  That would be gross."  He's making long-term plans people.  xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Techau Family 5 W's and H

Hi!  I was debating on keeping this blog private (we're pretty private people, especially when it comes to hardships or emotional crapiness- we fight our battles together and tend to just smile at those around us), but after posting our adoption news on Facebook I realized that I need to open this up.  We're blessed to have people who care about us...and who knows, one of you might know someone who's considering giving their child up for adoption!  ;)  So, here's the 5 W's and H of the Techau Family:

Who: It's not just Jim and I - it's our families, our friends, both of our circles.  That's never been so clear to me as when I announced that we are adopting on Facebook.  I'm overwhelmed by everyone's support and love.  Scott, our nephew, made one of my favorite comments: "I'm gonna have a Techau cousin!"

What: We're hoping to have an open adoption, but ultimately that depends on the birth mom and what she's comfortable with.  Open adoptions vary hugely!  There are some families that meet with the birth mother a few times a year (that kind of freaks me out...and by "kind of" I mean TOTALLY!  We're feeling very possessive of this invisible baby.  Does that make sense?) while some families send pictures and letters to the birth mother.  We don't care about gender or race, but we are wanting an infant.  In fact, the agency we're working with specializes in newborns!!!!

Where: We've decided to do a domestic adoption (meaning we're adopting from the U.S.) for a few different reasons: we will hopefully have more information about the birth mother's health, we like the idea of our child having access to his or her birth mother should questions arise, and it's cheaper (which surprised me - I always thought international adoptions were cheaper).  Oh, and I don't know how this works, but if our kiddo needs something medically...ya, I would like to know that there's a potential resource.

When: Coming to this decision took awhile.  We were faced with a very expensive, invasive medical procedure with a VERY small chance of working since the doctors could never determine what's wrong with me, or adoption.  My heart is still heavy with the realization that our baby won't have Jim's beautiful eyes, kind smile, or those biological traits, and I think I will always mourn that (especially when I look at my nephews and niece and see those connections).  But I know that our child will be a mish mash of us in every other respect...let's just hope s/he is more like Jim!  How long the adoption will take also varies.  The home study takes about 2 months (to find out more about the home study process, check out my "What's the Craziest Thing?" post), and after that it's all up to the birth mom.  We are going to network and get our names out as much as possible, but it's about the birth mom feeling like we're the right family for her baby.

Why:  We want our family. It's that simple!

How: I don't know how to classify this "How" section.  Financially?  Wow.  Um, we're going to be applying for grants as soon as our home study is completed (which is a requirement of every grant I've found), I'll be coaching every sport I can and sponsoring every club imaginable, and we might have a couple of fundraisers.  :)  How do we get the baby?  There are a few possibilities - one of you fabulous people might know someone who is considering giving their child up for adoption (especially if you're connected to a church).  Call me!  :D  A birth mother approaches our agency and after receiving counseling feels like adoption is the best for both her and her baby, and she picks us based on our "Dear Birth Mother" letter, portfolio, or photo album.  We're going to post our information on some websites and the birth mother finds us, likes us, and we go on from there!  Emotionally?  This is going to be a roller coaster, but I've got to tell you, I can't fathom it being worse than the past three years.  We are working towards having our baby!  Our baby!  And it might take awhile, the birth mother might change her mind, and some other obstacles that I can't foresee, but ultimately we're going to have our baby.  That's just the craziest thing.

What's the Craziest Thing?

At this moment in time, the craziest thing is that we're going to having a baby and we don't know who he or she is or when s/he is coming home.  That's just...crazy!?  When I start thinking about all of the questions still unanswered, still not asked (how do you know what to ask when you don't know what you don't know?), I get overwhelmed and maniacal while Jim gets quiet and pensive.  So here's what I know.

• The adoption process simplified (this varies by state, and I've included a rough timeline and costs for those that are considering adoption or just want to know more about that side of it): 

• Colorado is an agency state, meaning that we must go through an agency to adopt.  Most agency application fees are about $250-$350 and are processed quickly.  That does not however, mean that the agency has an opening.  We fell in love with an agency only to find out that we are #62 on their waiting list and it would be at least a year before we could actually start the adoption process.
• Once we've chosen our agency, they start the home study process.  Holy crap, the home study.    The home study consists of us telling a social worker every detail about us, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  We supply documentation of our lives since birth, they (the social worker) interview us as a couple and as individuals, dig into our marriage (bring it!), the lives of our parents (yikes!), assess our home, look into our finances, fingerprints sent to the CBI and FBI...they practically dig through our trash.  Ok, it won't be that bad, but it feels like it.  This takes about 2-4 months and costs about $2,000 - $3,500.
• During the home study, Jim and I are compiling our "Dear Birth Mother" letter.  This is what birth mothers will see when they're choosing who will get to adopt their baby.  I'm 100% over-thinking this and have stared at a blank document aptly titled "Dear Birth Mother" for about 2 days now.  I would like us to finish it in the next couple of weeks so that it's ready to go, and so that it's done before school starts.
• After we have successfully completed the home study, the adoption agency can officially start "selling us."  I've seen a lot of variety in how the agencies do this: online pictures and stories, publications in newspapers, photo albums, and word of mouth.  Marketing costs vary greatly by agency.  For some it's free because they give the birth mothers the photo albums the adoptive families have made and she wades through them while others are more aggressive with  creating an online presence and can cost up $5,000.  
• How long does this step take?  Well, what it comes down to is the birth mother choosing us (the term for this is us being "matched" with a birth mother).  Do Jim and I have some say?  Yes.  We don't care about gender; we just want our baby to be healthy.  I'm still doing research about race to see long-term effects of an adopted child being placed with parents of a different race...at this point it seems inconclusive which is awesome because Jim keeps talking about wanting a Korean baby with a faux hawk that is, obviously, a ninja.  

 <-- Like this, but baby version

• While we're waiting to be matched, we are going through at least 14 hours of state mandated counseling about the adoption process, open adoptions (more on that later), First Aid & CPR training, and how to bring our families into the adoption process.  Thankfully, the birth mother is also receiving counseling.  The intention is not at all to coerce her into giving her child up for adoption.  It's all about helping her make what will most likely be the hardest decision she will ever face, may that be keeping the baby or giving him/her up for adoption.  I've seen a huge spread in the cost for counseling (we pay for both ours and the birth mother's): $1,500-$4000. It seems like the agencies that have higher costs in this step offer better support for the birth mother and the adopting parents.
• Once we're matched, the birth mother is in control of the level of communication and knowledge we receive (although we have full access to as much health information as is available).  If she needs help with money for rent, maternity clothes, etc. we help out with that.  If you're like me and are more than a little skeptical of people following through on their word, rest assured.  The money never goes to the birth mother directly.  For example, we would send a check to cover her rent to the agency, they would write a check to the landlord, and then they would deliver it to the landlord.  As you can imagine, the costs for this vary as well but the average that I've seen is $2,000-$4,000.  If the birth mother changes her mind, we don't get any of the money back, and we will still help out the next birth mother financially.
• After the baby is born, the parents' legal rights are terminated in 4 days (referred to as "relinquishment").  Relinquishment costs $1,000-$1,200 and placement of the baby in our care costs $2,000.  At this point, the birth mother and birth father have no legal claim our baby although continued communication is recommended.
• Selfishly keeping our fingers-crossed that the birth mother and birth father don't change their minds and the baby is healthy, the adoption agency will have legal custody of the baby which they then...I don't know the terminology...they "lend" us.  I think this is called "post placement."  This lasts for 6 months during which the social worker from the agency checks in on us, makes sure the baby is thriving, that Jim and I haven't killed each other, and that we're all playing nicely with each other.  Post placement costs $2,000-$2,500.  The only reason the baby would be taken away would be if the social worker was worried about the baby or if we requested it.
• After 6 months, we go to the court house and our adoption is finalized.  This is so cool!  We get a birth certificate with our names listed as the parents (LOVE this - when I learned about that I cried!), and we 100% parents.

This was all pretty technical, but I hope it helped answer some of your questions.  If you have more, please let me know - like I said at the beginning: I don't know what questions to ask because I don't know what I don't know!

Xoxoxoxo

~ Monica

Moving on...

I'm sitting here grinning like a crazy person.  Not only am I enjoying a chilled glass of Moscato D'Asti but I'm considering finishing the entire bottle.

I'm not grinning because I'm a lush.  You see, for the past three years, my life has been completely out of my control.  It's been out of my husband's control.  It's even been out of my team of doctors' control.  My life has been 100% dictated by my body and our attempts to get pregnant.  For the past three years, my schedule has looked like this:

- Day 1: Not. Pregnant.  Dreaded period starts which has been preceded by pregnant-like symptoms: sore boobs (I'm sorry, I just can't say breasts.  I guess that's why I teach middle school), headaches, exhaustion, weird appetite, etc.
- Day 3:  Start taking meds to try and get pregnant.  Not a lot of process time since finding out that there's no reason for my boobs to swell up bigger than they already are.  And this just pisses me off even more.  They amped up the medication from Clomid to Femara.  All of the tests indicated I was responding favorably, but apparently not enough.  Femara did, however, make me feel like I was going through menopause as I broke out into a sweat and then would be freezing to my bones, all day, every day with hormone swings that would challenge any 5 star roller coaster ride.  My husband's absolutely a saint.
- Day 5-10: Begin having sex every day (I am SO sorry, I swear, this will be the only time I talk about our sex life.  I guess I'm hoping that you might see how even "this" has become clinical)
- Day 8: Done taking meds.
- Day 10: Yeah!  Blood test followed immediately by an ultrasound.  And I'm not talking about the cute one's where they rub the wand over your stomach.  I didn't not know that there was another kind.  I usually like surprises...not this one!  The blood test is to check my hormone levels and the ultrasound-that-they-don't-show-in-movies is used to check the follicles in my ovaries.  I know, who knew you had follicles in your ovaries!?  They show which side is ovulating and how close to ovulation I am.  Thankfully, I'm like a clock and always have had numerous "big follicles" so I've never had to have the hormone shot in my tuckuss.  Appreciative of every little thing!
- Day 11: Insemination.  We've done this at least 8 times now.  I'm sure this is weird, but I stopped keeping track.
- Day 12-28: Go about our lives and try not to hope.

There have been times that we took a month off for a variety of reasons (being out of town, Parent/Teacher Conferences falling on insemination days, or just to take a break!).  But do you see a key thing here!?  I was only able to drink for 2 days every month, and believe me, when you're going through infertility you want to drink.

And now I can.  Jim and I are going to adopt.  We're thrilled to be moving in such a positive direction but are also truly heart broken to be letting go of the dream of having our own biological child.  We kept our infertility...journey...struggles...visit to hell...very private.  It's weird to talk about infertility because it revolves around such a private part of your life.  Adoption, on the other hand, doesn't revolve around my hoo ha.  And I know that I need you.  As excited as I am, I'm not naive.  This is going to be hard, scary, and trying.  So I'm starting this blog to celebrate, learn from you, vent, and maybe even help someone else to realize that they're not alone in their pain of infertility.


Ok.  It's Day 26 of my cycle, and I'm going back to my Moscato.  Oh, and screw you cycle counting.  I'm done with that and moving on...